i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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