If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
