yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize