census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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