Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
