you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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