god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
that is very illegal...i love you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
