you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Are we still banned from the library?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
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