do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
