wakey wakey hands off snakey
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
