that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
