there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
