We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So much Jack, so little girl.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
