I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
