I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
