I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
