I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
