Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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