my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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