Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
