After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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