You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He shit in the fireplace
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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