yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
