thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
did i just pee glitter
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
