just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this boner is exhausting
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
