I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize