I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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