gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
