I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
