Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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