When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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