yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
