He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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