Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
