Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
there is glitter all over my balls
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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