Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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