dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
