Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
