a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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