Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
