shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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