No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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