made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
