If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
