how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
