I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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