don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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