you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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