he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize