I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
