Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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