I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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