Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
