i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
