Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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