Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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