I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
