Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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