i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
