I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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