I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
