i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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